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Gay? So what?
last modified: Tuesday, May 09, 2006 (4:54:38 AM)
Ok, I'm a simple gal with a bad history with guys - every guy I dated treated me like crap, last partner and father to my children, left me when my son was 13 months old and with my unborn daughter (my son is now 5 and my daughter is now 3) and haven't dated since then... or really had anything to do with guys since then, so it's been awhile since I had contact with men. Well I really only know 2 guys who are both gay and they are wonderful fellas.

Now at University, I have a wonderful friend (who we will call Miss B) who I have know about a year and we get on so great together. A few months ago she introduced me to her group of friends. They are all wonderful too and very welcoming to me and I felt happy to find an excellent bunch of people....

My friend and I have a great friendship - we see each other nearly everyday, we tell each other we love the other, do Tae Kwon Do together, always have a ball everytime we're together and miss one another when we don't see each other... Now over the last few weeks, small comments have been made to me that have got me thinking. Friends in the group have suggested that I maybe gay due to my closeness to Miss B and when I saw them on Friday night (3 nights ago), I could sense something wasn't quite right as they weren't overly friendly or talkative as before - even though they didn't say anything directly to me. What struck my thinking, was when I told my friends that I had a weird dream and in it I had a wife and one of the friends (Miss L) said 'Oh was your wife Miss B?' When I said 'I don't know' awkward silence followed.

I fail to mention that my friends have RPG websites where they don to be different characters and interact within a storyline with other people. On Miss L's site she was being harassed by guys wanting to date her for real, so Miss B became the 'husband' of Miss L to ward off unsavoury attention. So we have carried that joke into real life and it has developed that I am the one TRYING to break their relationship up and take Miss B as my own, therefore Miss L and I are fighting over Miss B.

Miss L has been out of the country touring and when we saw her on Friday night, Miss B said to her that while Miss L was away she was lonely and was driven into the arms of another woman - me, all in good humour but peoples are beginning to think I'm taking it seriously and feels like they are treating me differently than before.

So my wonderings are who cares what my sexual preferences are to these people who claim to be my friends? Shouldn't the only thing matter is that I'm a good person and friend? I have been very good to Miss B (who I am closest to) and have never spoken a bad word about any of these people. I haven't tried to put moves on any of my friends and just because I am not interested in men or really feel attracted to men that on this basis it seems enough to make me gay.

Sorry to ramble guys and if your still reading this I commend you! I will admit that Miss B is a super awesome person and even though she is younger than me, I really feel in awe of her - she is really special, I have NEVER felt this close to another female and yes, I do admit freely that I do love her. So now with my friends subtle hints about my sexual preferences, I am becoming suspicious of myself - are they seeing something in me that I'm not recognising in myself? Is there evidence in my friendship with Miss B to make people question if there is something 'more' to it? I don't know, what I do know is that I don't want to lose my friendship with Miss B. Even with the suspicion, Miss B hasn't treated me any differently, she still glomps me, tells me I'm loved, leans on me, wrestle (for training, I'm just beginning TKD, she is nearly a black belt), comes shopping etc, etc....

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated, it would be nice to get an outsiders point of view of the situation - if you've read this far that is! ^_^

Thanks for reading!
re: Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 5:31:04 AM
kira

*gives a hug**lets go*

just hang in there that''s all i can say. good luck.


re: Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 5:43:50 AM
wELCOME cONSUMER

Well, it''s hard to say. I don''t know you personally, so I don''t think I could entirely comment on the subject. In general, I feel people can love one another and gender can remain a secondary issue. You don''t seem adverse to the idea, otherwise you might be feel angry, insulted or some other strong negative emotion. Maybe the fact that you''re questioning this is an indication that you might want to explore this possibility? I know everyone has different levels of comfort and ways they express themselves. For some people, saying "I love you" would be purely romantic, while it might be an expression someone else would say freely. The situation with Miss L is the most confusing aspect. It seems that the scenario has gone beyond just your interests, perhaps people are reading too much into it. I don''t understand why anyone would treat you differently, that is totally odd. But those friends may simply be embarassed (thinking you were maybe gay all along and they didn''t know and perhaps could''ve said something to offend you before). That''s just my guess, I don''t really know. To find the answers, try to ignore the behavior and opinions of your friends and focus on yourself. Do some serious soul searching and determine what would equate your own happiness. Since you have not experienced any positive intimacy in your life, this new friendship might be confusing you. Her affections might be causing the question. I am someone who prefers to confront issues. Figure out how you really feel and maybe ask your friend (Miss B) if you''re brave. I wish you good luck!


re: Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 10:36:19 AM
setsumei

I don''t have any problem with lesbiens- when I was at college I found gay women to be as down to earth and as friendly as anyone else, if not more- it''s perfectly understandable when alot of the male population regard women as objects and not people. Gay men, or queens I''ve found to be obnoxious, vain little creatures- and I reckon I''m pretty open minded, but I''m just going on experience. Do what you feel is right in your heart :)


re: Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 11:14:48 AM
blueheaven

It can happen. Truth be told, it''s up to you how far you want to take this. You seem to have a real closeness. So, the only thing left to ask is if you could have a sexual relationship. If the thought doesn''t seem all that alien to you, then you might have something to ponder indeed. I''ve had male friends who were very close, but the only thing that kept me from going all the way was the fact that I am not sexually attracted to guys. But don''t kid yourself that you don''t need a sexual relationship or attraction, because you do. Being close and liking the same things are nice, but you need more. Best of luck.


What they said.Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 12:59:56 PM
Zag

Pretty much. :) I''ve had several girl friends who upon spending time with one another start to realize they are closer than friends, even though they have never felt any leanings in that direction before.


Stop trying to label it. Simply think, "This makes me happy," and accept it as that. Act as you''d like to be treated. Anyone who feels the need to treat you differently is at least being honest about their feelings. What they think is their problem. :) You can''t control what they think/feel, and shouldn''t try. Don''t feel you have to appologise for what makes you happy.

>


Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 6:37:30 PM
Leah

I think your title says it all.
My best friend out here is a lesbian, and hers are the only dinners we''ll go to (my husband and I) with her close friends. (We don''t like big gatherings.) She and I get along incredibly well together, sometimes we annoy the piss out of each other, but that''s just all part of relationships.
I remember one time she mentioned wondering what other people must think of me spending so much time with her (we were training for a triathlon together - swimming, biking, or running together every day)and quite frankly I just don''t give a crap. Nothing has changed. My friends are still my friends because they know me.
This friend has told me that I''m definitely her type, but we both know that''s just not my orientation. ^^ I love her dearly, but there''s nothing sexual about it, and we both know it.
My husband used to tease me lightly about it, still does occasionally, but I think he''s learned I''m not going anywhere, so he''s good with it.
Now, if Ichigo were to become real.....
*ahem*
Anyway... Take care of you. Don''t let what others think sway your happiness one way or the other. ^_^


re: Gay? So what?Sunday, May 07, 2006 - 11:34:29 PM
Leedzie

Well, first of all I hope things improve with your circle of friends, but mostly I wanted to share some experiences I''ve had that may help you out.

Since I was 13 or 14 I was always kind of on-the-fence about my sexuality; I knew flatly that I liked guys, but I didn''t know what the deal was with girls. I often found myself admiring female forms more than male ones, but I couldn''t tell if it was attraction or jealousy. I also have never really gotten caught up with looks and focus more on personality, so I forever found myself having "feelings" for girls, but again I couldn''t tell if it was attraction, or just having a really great friend.

Well, one of my friends growing up was always very loving and huggy and open with us, and as she got into her teens, she discovered that she was bisexual. Long story short, she ended up being my first sexual experience, because she understood that I was very new to it all (I was and still am a virgin, penetration-wise), and I felt comfortable with her because we''d been so close for so long.

The point of all this is that it wasn''t until I was actually intimate with another girl that I realized that I wasn''t -quite- bisexual. I do still fall for girls personality-wise, but I don''t have any real sexual desire for them. That could be the same thing you''re dealing with, and I think you might not be able to find out where you stand until you try it once. If it turns out you''re like me and you''re somewhere in between, it''ll at least be nice to know where you stand.

Good luck!!


re: Gay? So what?Monday, May 08, 2006 - 1:23:46 AM
Cutiebunny

Your initial paragraph seems to indicate what your issue may be - Your past relationships with men have caused you to reject a sexual relationship with them.

I think there is something to that and I would urge you to spend some time exploring this venue. All men are not idiots, but if you allow yourself to be used and with people who are very destructive, then, regardless of their gender, they''re going to use you for all you''re worth. If this is the reason why you''re attracted to the other gender in a romantic way, then, I''d suggest you cut off these relationships and focus on healing yourself for a while.

There really isn''t a "set" time where people get over things. Some relationship problems plague us for years. When we find these qualities manifested in other, depending on our personal problem, we either become completely obsessive or want nothing to do with that person. I can personally vouch for that; My experiences with "GQ" type men(those that would easily rate an 11 on a 1-10 scale) has caused me to believe that all very attractive men that fit into this catagory are either incompetent, lacking in the morality area, or both.

As for being a lesbian, bisexual, transexual, etc., I come from San Francisco, CA and I''m very accepting of these types of relationships. Whatever floats your boat. Just don''t suck face while I''m eating. The same goes for heterosexual couples as well.


re: Gay? So what?Friday, May 19, 2006 - 7:01:07 PM
fallenangel959

Hey Girl. I guess I''m not biased cause I''m your friend (Miss E) for everyone who''s reading this. My sister (Miss L) can get a bit funny sometimes, but you know, I don''t care either way. I love you just the way you are and that''s not going to change at all, no matter what. And I don''t see anything ''more'' between you and Miss B than close friends. Besides, we shared a blanket last night ;)

Lots of hugs and glomps
Love Fally


Thankyou!Friday, May 26, 2006 - 5:53:53 AM
xaniss

A big thankyou to everyone who offered their support and comments to me over this situation. It is really nice to know there are people who care and are willing to offer advice. I guess I was reading too much into what my friends were saying?? But apparently they''re not biased towards me anyway, it''s all good now!

That being said, thankyou also to Fally (or Miss E) for responding to my blog. I know you love me and you can share a blanket with me anytime! ~_^
Actually we did when we were watching Star Trek on your bed, though I did fall asleep on Miss B heheh! Lotsa hugs and glomps back!

Love Shay